Yes

Last October, CNN declared that women would become the “saviors of the global economy” and the Dalai Lama prophesized that “the world will be saved by the Western woman.” 

This quote allowed me to finally capture what I felt when daughter Jessica graduated this Spring from the College of Charleston.

The journey through life is not easy for most of us.  There are always challenges and children face their own lessons and learn from experience just as humans have been doing for eons.  What is newly minted in the human equation is that we are learning to foster confidence and myriad intelligences as we begin to understand that our children have “come to teach us,” a society in need of awakening.

You know children like Jess.  She spoke in full sentences by the time she was 10 months old – - in third person, “Jessica wants that dwess.”  I realize you might judge me, her mother for that one.  ”Jessica wants waffles,”  or ”Jessica likes that. “ I was 34 as a first time mom so what did I know?  She didn’t crawl, because she moved backwards when she tried, so she just stood up at 10 months and started running one day.  She hasn’t stopped since.

She could cite colors when she was a year old and the pediatrician marked her one year report as a child prodigy… someone to watch.  So when she struggled to read as a first grader and to spell as a third grader, we sought help.  Testing gave us the results that she had a learning disability.  She was so smart, it was masked by her verbal skills.  I found her weeping one night in the first quarter of 4th grade, “I want to be with the smart kids.”  And my heart sank.  She was “one” of the smart kids… one of the smartest a pediatrician had ever seen.  What was missing was a diagnosis of dyslexia.  Once she was aware of what she needed to handle differently she thrived and excelled.  But without the additional testing and the results and the meetings with teachers and guidance counselors, she may have lost interest in school and we may have lost her as a potential leader.

When she walked across the stage, she did so as a hero in our eyes and those of our extended friends and family.  She was a leader at the College of Charleston - president of the Student Alumni Associates,  a representative of the college for Leadership Charleston, a student with international credits having studied in India last summer.  As we waited and watched others receive their degrees, I wondered about their stories.  What challenges did they face?  What sports coach recognized their abilities and nurtured those, or which one didn’t?  Who mentored them?  Who saw potential and fostered it?  What teacher placed a troll on their desk to send all worries to while taking tests?  Who helped them tap into their creative genius?  Who compelled them to dance or to debate a point of view?

And I also wondered, “how many brilliant kids do we lose in educational processes because they haven’t had a champion to help them understand their needs or their given talents?  When will we add new intelligences, such as emotional intelligence (EQ) to those required for academic success?”

There were only four tickets to her graduation so our celebration was intimate.  But there were many who sat with us in spirit this Spring day.  Her friend Beaux was there… a

Party on the Osprey with Beaux

champion and travel companion who sees her brilliance. Her high school and lifelong friend Tucker graduated the same weekend from UNC – CH and would say she influenced his vote in the last presidential election as she vigorously campaigned for someone she believed in.  The Honorable Kristin Ruth, a family friend would smile at the mention of her name and say that “Jess gives us hope that the world is becoming a better place due to leadership of strong young women who are committed to a cause – and hers is to leave the world better by changing and impacting a social cause, especially related to non-profit and education.”  BFF Lauren would say, “Let’s Dance!” and remind her to laugh a belly laugh daily as she tries new things…

BFFs

AND to only give her attention to those friends who are worthy… to spend time with those who are not looking beyond her, but who make her feel special and loved.

It occured to me as we danced and laughed and celebrated and toasted this amazing young woman that I am happy and privileged to know her regardless the fact that she is my daughter.

She, and many of her friends who graduated this year, give me hope.  They inspire the best in me and the best in others.  They are truly global in their view of the world and their desire to see and connect with other cultures.

A Toast from the Crow's Nest

So as we all work to understand more, to love more, to become more, I hope you will find inspiration in those who are becoming new leaders, those with a desire to become global citizens and seek knowledge from many sources.

My coaching challenge to all who read this is that you foster this intention of Jessica’s to change the face of education and to promote a new world view.

Hank and his FartKnocker

I know, I know… there are many who cannot tolerate this F word, the one that has to do with food processing and mostly male body sounds that at some point in their lives become a source of pride and competition.  That’s not the point.  This post has to do with a surfboard by the name FartKnocker.

Hank, now 17 has been my funny valentine since he was born.  He smiled at me when he was less than a week old and has in other ways been charming dear old mom and negotiating for things since he could sit up and hand me toys, or say “pwease mommie”.  One night he peered through the sunroof of our family van while we drove into the garage, young enough to still be in a car seat and said, “Mom, if I could reach one of those stars, I would take it out of the sky and give it to you.”

Need I say more?

Awh... Mom! Please?!

We went to buy a new surf board during this week of vacation and along the way I was reminded that our shopping is more about buying a thing that makes you laugh than about anything more sublime.  Maw Maw used to say, “if it makes you laugh, you must find a way to capture it!”  I have subscribed to that.  The Baccus wine fountain sporting the little version of Baccus leap frogging the spout.  The Christmas Apron that sports 3 Wise Women and a verse about how they would have done it all differently and better.  And on this day, when the surfboards were all lined up and the decision came down to two gently used Stewart boards, the one that won out wasn’t the sleek green and yellow number with a bold signature of the designer, it was the one with a funny name!

He almost hesitated to ask for it, but I could see the wheels turning and knew there was a negotiation I could play to my favor.  After all, I have spent more money on lesser things.

I figured that I would have a clean car, the grass would be mowed, the trash carried out, the plants watered and anything else I could imagine but just turning to him and saying this new F- WORD.   Three people overheard our negotiation and congratulated me on the way out of the shop.

So challenge yourself in the coming weeks to make decisions about your purchases based on what gives smiles! You might make it a negotiation for something in return, you might just gift it with the understanding that the ability to share laughter grants us light, and often life itself, and that is priceless.

As the surfer in my house now signs off – - “FartKnocker OUT!”

photos on the lawn

The backyard was decorated with round dining tables to seat 40 kids.  Parents dotted the lawn and stood back, cameras at the ready, snapping photos of their pride and joy.  The menu was printed and nameplates were tied to ribbons.  There was a blessing and a buffet of tenderloin of beef, crab cakes and salads, chocolate covered strawberries, key lime pie and cake.  Perfect weather… lots of laughter.  The hosts  - – Judy and Don Geaslen – - had thought of everything, including a bar set up for adults down the hall.

The night started with enchantment…. and as we worked around the kitchen to set up

desserts, hostess Judy asked if one of us would read the Parents Prayer for Prom.   I had the privilege and want to share it with you here:

May my child be blessed

on this special evening . . .

May my child be blessed with an enchanted evening.

May they dance with joy in their heart.

May they enjoy the smiles and laughter of others.

May my child have a date that is kind in word and deed, grateful and complimentary.

May their evening be filled with grace, dignity and respect.  May my child experience a wonderful night, full of lasting memories.

I pray for the safety and wisdom for all that attend Prom this evening…

May the Lord watch over them.

- – Judy Geaslen

Some of us parents lingered, story telling.

Mommas like the spoons after everyone leaves for PROM

As we left the beautiful home, I understood that a prayer often gives us a sense of peace… and our own enchanted evening as our children leave for that next phase of life experiences… finding their way.

So on the morning after parties are all complete, the 2011 Prom goers found their way home… new experiences under their belt and new stories of their own to tell one day.  I hope they will include the prayer!

Rockin with Steve!

Old Rockers and Dear Friends!

Here we are, years later, willing to drive 90 minutes each way for a cholesterol filled country breakfast, biscuits with gravy, buttered grits and all… Soulmate friends who worked together moons ago.  The passion for radio, rock-n-roll and sports marketing brought us together.  My life would not have been as rich or as much fun had I not known these two characters.  I learned much from them, though they called me “boss” once upon a time.

Maybe you’ve had the good fortune to be a part of a team of people whose work conveyed meaning beyond the daily mandates.  In retrospect our time together was  a learning laboratory.  The daily tasks gave way to exploration of faith and these two courageously shared their beliefs, their lessons of parenthood, their coming to terms with leadership positions.  I dare not give them too much credit here for fear I will lose any leverage in which stories we tell and which we keep sacred about the hard knocks, the funniest of human experiences, and the celebratory team building events that almost got us killed.

George and GRITS!

George is the VP of Sports for Capitol Broadcasting, including the Durham Bulls baseball team and is the most articulate and graceful leader I’ve known. You will find him in the acknowledgements of Mystic GRITS!  I will dedicate the next business book to him for giving me the space to create my team platform and just released Team Advantage, the complete coaching guide for team transformation, (Pfeiffer 2010).

Steve, top of this post, is himself in Mystic GRITS and will tell you he lived much of this story with me.  He landed in my life while a student at Wake Forest University, and sold me on paying him for an internship when I managed a rock and roll station in Winston Salem.  I dragged he and his family with me to four locations to do great things together during my 20 years as a broadcast manager/executive.  There is too much to tell here. We had the absolute time of our lives every day that we worked together. After leaving radio a few years ago, he bought a company that services Shriners and Masons with garments for ceremonies and meetings.  He has become a Mason which gives him a brotherhood to continue to grow his faith.

Perhaps you have people in your life who inspire you to be your best, who challenge you when you play small, and who make you happy when you mention their name or recall a story you share.  If you do…. make time for them – -meet them somewhere across a state line at a Cracker Barrel and eat some grits and biscuits with gravy.  Make pictures together in rocking chairs with price tags.

Be Happy…  Re-Member  - – and go make precious time for those who light your path and warm your heart!

Enjoy your journey!

Maw Maw didn’t say that… Thomas Leonard did.  Thomas was one of the seminal figures in shaping Coaching as a profession.  He lived wide open… and taught many of us to stay relevant… to leverage virtual communities… to recreate our lives based on our values.  Things that Maw Maw taught me without using the same language. I am sure Maw Maw would have challenged Thomas and would have asked him where he would place Love, or Music, or Laughter, or Energy?

Now, the holidays are here.  A string of memories cross my mind about celebrations . . . the traditions we have made for ourselves – the time we spent laughing and singing around an old piano or Maw Maw’s guitar… the one she is pictured holding here when she was just 15.

Today we traveled home to Welcome to celebrate Christmas at Mom and Dad’s place.  A dirty santa game followed the barbeque and baked beans, a southern tradition for basement gatherings and games . . . (Dirty Santa is a holiday tradition, where we all pick a number and one by one go to a pile of wrapped presents orrrrrr…take someone else’s gift;   Always funny, the most coveted gift makes its way from person to person.  This year’s winner was a tie between an everything tool for the house, a nose trimmer, an iTunes gift card and that lovely sequined singing Santa hat that stayed on the head of a favorite aunt.)

Tonight as I finished trimming my tree, I pulled an old ornament out of the box, an angel made from an oyster shell and pipe cleaner.  I thought of Maw Maw’s shoebox doll houses,  dolls made of popsicle sticks, their dresses fashioned from colored facial tissues – -doll furniture crafted from cardboard, thread spools, tobacco sticks and magazine pages.  I think perhaps the real beauty of decorating a home for the holidays is that every touch, every tree ornament, every light brings a memory to life.

So as you head into that home stretch, shopping list in one hand, recipes in the other, think about those resources we all share, not just the three we speak of in coaching, but the ones that Maw Maw would bring to light here……

The Greatest gift is the Love you give – be it expressed in a song, a poem, a card,  the time you give to be with family. . .AND… the second greatest gift is the Love you openly receive… cause as Maw Maw would say, “else how’s anybody else going to be able to give their gifts?”

EnJOY, Take Good Care, and Receive as freely as you give this year!

DJ's Speaks Remembers 2001 as Past President

I did it.  I conducted a world renowned string quartet in front of a large audience.  It wasn’t what I expected it to be and the lessons, once again “smacked me upside my head,” something typically said in jest in the south to illustrate that these things should have been OMG obvious after the first 30 years of my life.

I just returned from Ft. Worth, Texas and the annual International Coaching Conference.  The opening key note session was presented by Annesci, the famous French string quartet, a group that presented their work as metaphor for teamwork – my company’s specialty. There were several interactive exercises with the audience serving to conduct the quartet collectively and then several of us as individuals stood in front of these masters and conducted a Heiden piece.

I was one of the four at the very end who had the privilege of really conducting the music.

Here’s what happened.  I was the second person to be invited on stage – standing off to the wing while a sprite from Israel danced her way through the piece conducting it in a light and fun rhythm.  She was perfect and the quartet had smiles all around applauding her, effusively giving her feedback.

My turn.

Comparison.

It dawned on me as I watched her that I didn’t know this piece, didn’t know the timing and was now standing in front of 1,000 coaching colleagues while my inner furnace heated up to boiling and my lovely hormones produced a hot flash that ran from the tip of my booties to the top of my crown just before I took the stage. I knew that the HD cameras would be picking up the pearls of sweat on my lip and simulaneously project those on the jumbo-tron screens to the right and left of the stage, so I realized something had to be done and quick.

I threw my jacket on the floor in dramatic fashion and ran to center stage to stand in front of these four masterful musicians in my attempt at humor.  It worked.  People laughed.  Yet I stood there terrified that I was about to totally unravel.  I am not typically terrified in front of audiences , but I was in a big unknown, ready to catch a wave of music (ancient German math) and I had just stepped into a leadership role.

As I looked into their now hyper-focused and not smiling faces, I realized that this was serious.  They were actually going to follow me- every - single – move – I - made.  I grabbed my heart in response and they started playing slowly – heartfully.

“Oh Dear.  that’s not what I intended,” I thought and found my arms again, sweeping them across the tops of the quartet’s heads.

I danced between my head and my heart as I listened for both the harmonies we were creating and any dissonance.  I heard individual instruments, the cello, the first violin, second, third and lost myself momentarily in the role.  I started pointing to the cello and to others to bring out their sounds.  I was like many leaders I coach – -lost in my head.

Looking above their heads and into the audience, it also dawned on me that I was in part helping guide this group to entertain a lot of people.  My arm pits became a spigot! Worry set in about the high definition cameras – again I was worried about appearances.

I hugged my heart again and the song ended.  I had no idea how it sounded to others.  “It was all over the place,” I thought, because I was.

Until just now.

A friend sent the recording attached and I listened.  This was not about me, but about a team of masters having the confidence in each other that they could handle anything and follow anyone who was willing to play with them – to stand with them.  They had created safety – they had practiced – they had played together for so long that there was complete trust in the space between them and so in me.

Listening back to this recording from a friend’s iPhone, I heard what was produced and it too was masterful – beautiful.  Probably not the way Heiden intended, yet beautiful in every way.

People congratulated me and it was difficult to receive their praise.  I had not really done anything special, except put myself out there.  And so I had my “upside the head” lessons:

1. Be present.  (There is no fear there)
2. Let go comparison.
3. Be human – surrender the importance of appearance or impression.
4. Trust others completely.
5. Lighten up.

This experience for me started as an engaged participant, enjoying the stories of how this quarter learned to work as a team.  I saw them play – both metaphorically and literally… and I saw my own thought patterns of comparison and impression management that I needed to forgive and move beyond.

This experience will serve me for the rest of my life – it has become music in my mind in many ways in less than a week.

So, a whopper size THANK YOU Annesci Quartet for your expressions of passion and joy, playful interpretations and for the life lessons!  And I applaud your amazing talent for not only playing music so beautifully, but for leading others into the space of discovery!

You know what I’m saying…there aren’t enough hours in the day to get things done, especially if you’re a working parent with young children to shuttle to activities, groceries to shop for, cars to repair, dry cleaning to pick up and projects to complete for the boss.  There’s no time left for…YOU.

Well, you need to make time for you and feel good about it.  I know, I know.  When you make time for YOU, something else gets dropped.  Someone is disappointed.  And then YOU feel guilty.  YOU let them all down. Nonsense!

Why should you feel guilty?  The fact is, you shouldn’t.  You should embrace an opportunity to take care of yourself.  If you cannot be the best YOU possible, how can you think you’ll be able to be a contributing, caring, responsible, calm, efficient parent to your children, partner to your spouse and employee to your boss.

Maw Maw would say, “Take the time to give yourself some of that wonderful love you give to others.  There’s nobody who deserves it more than you.”

She would be right.  It’s not selfish.  It’s a gift we all should feel good about giving and receiving, the gift of ME time.

Mom sat across the dinner table from me.  She and Daddy had cooked all my favorites and Barry and I made our way through the buffet laid out on the long stove.  Dad had grilled pork chops and chicken, while mom made squash casserole, black eye peas and corn, and the Lexington style bar-be-que slaw that is made with ketchup instead of mayonnaise.  Dad lays hot green peppers by my plate to dice into the black-eye peas, a ritual for us since I was a teenager and found a liking for the hot peppers.

After the delicious belated birthday meal Mom handed me a card which I opened to reveal a small parchment paper diary, bound by red thread.  The note read, “The poems or songs are written in Maw Maws hand.   I thought it would be a keepsake for you to have!  I don’t really know if she wrote her own thoughts down or if they were written by someone else.”

She smiled as tears ran down my face and softly said, “you know, I think we will get to know each other in a whole new way.”  I felt someone lift a veil, and I saw my mother newly.  She had not spoken much about the book, “Mystic Grits.”  It revealed a lot we hadn’t spoken about – some trials, some beliefs I had questioned, some stories about her mother, my Maw Maw that were illustrative of a distant memory and a bond between grandmother and granddaughter that had somehow bypassed the woman between us who had busied herself with raising three others and serving her church family in so many ways.

This isn’t really what I sat out to write about here.  I wanted to write about the treasure buried in the card my Mom had carefully chosen and the diary she had placed within.   Verses from a song that was titled, “Oh I should like to marry!” were among the seven poems and songs this parchment archived.

The first entry began with roles for a man and a ‘lady’ to sing “Oh, I should like to marry!”

Man

1. Oh, I should like to marry if I could find a lady suited to my mind.  I would like her pretty sweet and good, with a little money, indeed I should.

Lady

2.  Yes, I would like to marry if I could find a handsome young man suited to my mind.  I would like him dashing and gay, leader of fashion and dandy of the day.  (with a side note of “oh Boy!”  written next to this verse.

It was written in 1926.  There are numerous verses, well defined for each singer.  And there are pages of these with numbered verses, each with a unique story about love, local names woven into the lines.  If they are not original, what she did with them was original.  She crafted words and rhymes to make them her own. The cursive handwriting is still that of a princess, which I noted in Mystic GRITS, the book.  They just don’t teach people to write that way anymore.  I pulled out my peepers (readers – the 1.50 version and continued to squint as if that would help bring the words to life.  The messages from her heart were always underscored with a sidenote, something funny, a quip, a feeling she always expressed with a dimpled grin as she kept the tobacco juice in place by not fully smiling.  She extemporanesouly made up songs when she played the guitar or the piano – -the old pump organ – - and most would include the grandkids she had around at the time for an audience. 

She was magical. 

Her writing was magical.

Maw Maw’s voice was music to those who knew her – soft and lyrical.

This small parchment contains treasure for me. That it came  from my mom as a gift gave it even more meaning.  Perhaps the treasure is really that.  The invitation is there,  ”To know each other in a new way.”

I am wondering if this is the message and the invitation for all relationships in our lives. 

Take time to invite new and deeper conversations, “to get to know others who are important to you in a meaningful way!”

Enjoy your journey!